


Too Queer To Live, Too Gay To Die

by northern_downyee



Category: Batman (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dance, Angst, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Tim Drake, Big Brother Dick Grayson, Bisexual Jason Todd, Don't copy to other sites, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Genderfluid Character, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd Has Issues, M/M, No Smut, POV Tim Drake, Tim Drake-centric, Trans Tim Drake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-11-24 16:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18167630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northern_downyee/pseuds/northern_downyee
Summary: Jason Todd and Tim Drake Dance AU.In which Tim transfers to a new dance studio to compete and his partner is hot but has PTSD, his teacher has gender issues, and Tim has gender and sexuality problems but his family ain't one.





	1. New Studio, New (Terrifying) Partner

I'm the youngest one at the studio. It's a completely new environment, with completely different people, and I'm the youngest. At place I used to dance at, I had always been the oldest. I was never intimidated by anyone there because everyone was intimidated by me. 

I look around the entryway from my seat and see that I'm at least 6 inches shorter than everyone else. There's not a single girl here either. Surprising and also mildly terrifying considering my circumstances. 

As my class starts, I realize that it's just me and two other people, one of whom had to be teaching. I stand at least two meters from the guy with black hair that has a white streak in it. He's tall, attractive, and terrifying. He's wearing grey sweatpants and a Pink Floyd t-shirt. There's a fire in his eyes that I don't want to tempt. I'm pretty sure he could snap my neck if he wanted to. I don't know whether I should hope he's the teacher or my partner. 

The other guy is taller than the one with the white but not by much, it's clear that he's at least three years older. He stands in a very straight up but relaxed manner. He seems like a nice person. He's wearing a similar outfit to the other guy but he'swearing a Britney Spears shirt instead. He's certainly less intimidating than Mr. Edge Lord who looks like he wants to kill me.

I can't tell who I'm dancing with. Part of me hopes it's the guy with the white streak, he's closer to my height, but the other part of me (the larger part, admittedly) hopes it's the taller one because he seems nicer and easier to get along with.

I've had enough experience to know that the one who speaks first of those two is the teacher.

"Hey Jason. You must be Tim? Nice to meet you, I'm Dick." 

Shit. It was the taller one. My heart starts to race as I realize that Jason is the white hair guy and, more importantly, the one I'm dancing with.


	2. Secrets Are Overrated Apparently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim is ftm just for clarity.

I expected class to go better. Why would I ever expect to screw up so horribly? Jason made me so nervous. I just couldn't stop shaking. My mind felt like it had shut down. I kept tripping over my own feet which made more frustrated and scared. It was a complete downward spiral.

Afterward, when I went to change, I was again hit with the realization that there were no girls, meaning no girls change room. I swore under my breath in the hall of the studio, hesitating to open the door to the one and only change room.

"Are you going to go in or just stand there all day?" I turned to see Jason standing behind me. It was the first time I'd heard him speak.

"I- You can go if you want." I mumbled, backing away.

"Why?" He asked, closing the space between us.

"Why what?"

"Why won't you go?" His expression hardened slightly.

I was trembling again. Why did he have to scare me so much?

I didn't mean to burst out but did.

"Why does that matter?! You wouldn't understand. You're you and I'm me and... just forget it."

Suddenly, his eyes softened. Maybe he did understand.

My eyes widened and I put a hand up defensively as he came incredibly close. I closed my eyes, turning my head down and to the right as soft softly in my ear.

"Are you trans? Have you never been in an actual change room with other guys?"

I nodded and he backed away a few steps. I felt defeated and exposed.

"Alright," He rubbed the back of his neck, "How about I go in first, you can come after me and I'll make sure no one sees you. There shouldn't be too many people left here now anyway." He offered.

"Really?"

"Sure. After, maybe I can take you for dinner or something."

I figured I must've looked shocked because he said, "What?"

"Just... why?"

"Because we should get to know each other better seeing as we'll be dancing together. I know you're better than what happened during class today. If it's bothering you, Dick is a really supportive person. He's genderfluid so he understands the dysphoria." 

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay. Just... keep me hidden and I'd be happy to go for dinner with you.

"Cool."


	3. These Guys Are Fuckin Weebs. Deal with It.

It was nice not having to take the bus. Thanks to Jason's driver's license that he somehow got, we got to the restaurant much quicker. Though it probably helped that he drove like a damn maniac. I really don't know how he passed the driver's test with how crazy he drives.

It was like he decided riding on a motorcycle for the first time with him of all people wasn't terrifying enough.

The whole time, my eyes were closed tight and my face was pressed tight to Jason's back.

I didn't notice when we stopped until he gently told me to let go of him.

When I got off the bike, I almost toppled over. Luckily, Jason managed to grab my elbow and stop me.

"God, you're shaking so much. I'm guessing you aren't a huge fan of my driving." He said with a playful laugh.

"No, not really." I managed a small snicker.

Once we were sat down, Jason spoke again.

"I'm paying."

"No, please don't... I don't want you to think..."

"The only thing I'm thinking is that I want to pay, okay? Don't think about it too much. It's okay." He shrugged, then flicked his straw wrapper at me.

My arms shot up defensively then I smiled.

"Jerk." I retaliated with my own wrapper.

It didn't take long for a waitress to take our orders.

After we did, I noticed Jason had an intensely focused look on his face. He had his bottom lip partially between his teeth and his eyebrows knit together. He was twisting his cup back and forth, probably without meaning to.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He cleared his throat.

"Um... well. I was wondering... if you go by Tim, is it changed legally or... is your... other... name still..." He repeatedly trailed off, obviously uncertain of how to word what he wanted to say.

I laughed, admittedly slightly forced, just to try to make him more comfortable.

"Wait, is that offensive? I didn't mean to be. I'm sorry. You don't have to answer."

"It's okay. No, legally, I'm still Dani Jackson Drake. It's expensive to change it so... that's probably not going to happen anytime soon."

"I'm sorry for asking," He put his face into his hands, "I should've thought more about that before..."

I cracked a genuine smile.

"Really, it's okay. You didn't know."

He looked up, staring at me intensely for a moment.

"Dani really doesn't suit you."

"There's a reason I changed it, dummy." I snickered.

"Fair point. Are you going to change your middle name too?"

"No. Jackson's cool. Not really a 'first name' kind of cool though."

Jason hesitated, then spoke.

"So... I saw that you weren't wearing a binder, I mean, not that I was looking but..." Again, he seemed uncharacteriscally embarrassed as he stared a whole to China through the table.

"Well, I don't wear one when I'm dancing. It changes my breathing so wearing one for exercise isn't a good idea. Also, my chest is actually really sore from it right now. I figured I should just leave it off for the day."

Jason was blushing. 

"That's really shitty."

"Yeah, kind of. Mostly for performances, competitions... that's when it really bothers me that I can't wear my binder. Otherwise, I can find ways to cope but there's not a lot I can do for competitions." After my anecdote was over, I took a sip of my drink. It was refreshingly bubbly.

"So, I'm curious. How old are you? You didn't order alcohol so I'm guessing you're underage."

"I am. Very observant for you to notice. I'm 19."

His eyebrows seemed to shoot off his face.

"That's really young. I mean, I'm 22 and Dick's 25."

"I guess I'm just good at dancing." I shrugged with a a quiet, playful laugh. "Besides, that's only three years."

"I suppose so." 

"So, dance partner, what do you like to do in your free time?" I asked.

"I like to watch Supernatural. And write."

My eyes lit up like two tiny traffic lights.

"Who's your favourite character?" I blushed when I realized my voice had drawn the attention of several other tables. Sometimes I didn't realize I was being too loud until after the fact.

"Crowley, definitely. What about you?" Jason spoke like he wasn't aware of the people that had been staring at me. I knew he was pretending. He had to be.

"Sam. A bit broken, a bit misguided, but still trying to do the right thing." 

"I guess I can't pull the 'Sam or Dean' card on you then." Jason finished the sentence with a short laugh.

"No, but I can pull it on you."

"Alright, alright. Dean."

"Care to explain?"

"He's hot." Jason spoke decisively.

"I mean, fair. So, are you gay then?" I felt my entire body shake as I laughed.

"I'm bi." He shrugged, "What about you?"

"Just gay." I paused to take another sip. Well, it was actually to come up with another question. The drink was just a convenient way to stall.

"Do you have a favourite quote?" I asked.

"Jeez. Just hit me with a deep question without warning. Um... shit. Okay, 'If I'm the monster then what the hell does that make you?' I might've paraphrased that a bit but... yeah."

"Tokyo Ghoul. That's a good one."

"Alright, Mr. I-Know-Every-Line-From-Every-Show-Ever,  what's your favourite quote?"

"It's kind of dumb but... 'The only way to win is to fight.' From-"

Jason cut me off quickly, "Attack on Titan."

I grinned. 

"Yep."

"Who's your favourite character? You seem like an Armin kind of guy."

"It's actually Conny. He's very underrated."

"Very true. I like Mikasa."

"Alright, Jason, here's the million dollar question. Subtitles or dubbed?"

"It really depends. Usually, subs. You?"

"Always subtitles. It bugs me when the mouth movement doesn't match the voice."

The rest of the night went incredibly well. The food was good, dessert was great, and the company was amazing. I was still buzzing from excitement several hours later, when I was supposed to be sleeping. It was an amazing night.


	4. Tim's Family Is Pretty Cool

When I went downstairs for breakfast the next morning, I was surprised to see that my brother and mom were already up. Usually, my mom would already be gone to work and well, Damian tended to sleep late.

My mom greeted me with a smile, a cup of peppermint tea, and a piece of toast. She rarely hugged me, knowing how it usually made me uncomfortable. Once in a while, though, I'd let it slide. She was one of very very few people I would allow to ever hug me.

"So, is your dance partner a total dipshit or is he actually a decent human being?" Damian asked.

Oh the bluntness of fifteen-year-old sarcasm.

"He's cool. His name's Jason. His hair is pretty cool. He likes Supernatural. I like him." I replied.

My mom smiled, "I told you it would be okay."

I rolled my eyes, smirking slightly myself.

"Yeah, I know."

I was halfway through my toast before remembering what I had wanted to ask her when I woke up.

"Is my diagnosis in yet?"

She dusted the crumbs off her fingers and stood up.

"Yes, actually. I haven't really looked at it yet, I figured we should do it together. It'll probably make more sense to you than me, anyway."

She picked up a piece of paper off the counter that had a little bit of peanut butter smudged on it.

She handed it to me and I carefully unfolded it.

"ASD?" I questioned, uncertain of the acronym's meaning despite the familiarity of it.

"Autism Spectrum Disorder." Damian stated.

"Wait, so what? I thought it would be Asperger's... wait... they put that on the... yeah, okay, nevermind, I got it." 

"You know, it gets really friggin' annoying when you think out loud sometimes." My brother said.

"As if you aren't annoying."

"Here I was, thinking you were going to pull the 'Well, you're adopted.' card on me." He sipped his tea.

"I'm feeling gracious today."

I reread the paper again, thinking about the three years of misdiagnosis and lack of diagnosis that led to this point.  

My first diagnosis came when I was fifteen, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That was almost immediately proven false.

Then Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I guess that it's kind of a side effect of the ASD. 

For years, I went to so many doctors. So many psychiatrists. So many. And only now I'm getting my answer. It was like they never wanted to do their jobs.

This paper really just confirmed what I'd already known.

"Are you okay Da-Tim?" My mom stuttered. She shook her head slightly when she corrected herself, like she always did.

I pretended not to notice how she almost slipped up on my name. She really tried and I knew it. Even though she felt like I was too young to know, she supported me. She just didn't want me to do anything permanent and then regret it. I figured that was fair enough, seeing as she helped me with temporary things. Things that would help my dysphoria but could be changed if I needed to change them.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Can you drive Damian to school? I have a lot of work and I'm almost late."

"Yeah, let's go kid."

I was still in my pajamas but I had no intention of getting out of the vehicle.


	5. They Went For Coffee (OHMAGAWD THEY WENT FOR COFFEE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes. Tim is still in his pajamas.

After I dropped Damian off, I checked my phone. There was a text from Dick.

_Hey, are you free? Starbucks?_

**Yeah, sure.**

**Which one though?**

_I'll send the address._

I carefully read it over before entering it into google maps.

**Okay. On my way.**

_Okay, cool. See you there._

I arrived first, Dick and Jason arrived at the same time. I figured they'd ridden together.

I was the only one who got a drink.

When Jason sat down, he was visibly stressed. Judging by the dark circles under his eyes, he hadn't slept well. He wouldn't sit still and I couldn't tell if it was his naturally restless nature or something else causing him to be shifting around.

Subconsciously, I spun my cup back and forth in my fingers.

"Jason, are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah... I just need to... there's something important and..." He seemed to get frustrated at himself, huffing quietly. He was speaking much slower than usual.

With begging eyes, he looked over to Dick.

"It's okay, take your time, Jay." Dick assured him.

Jason groaned and leaned forward. He put hus elbows on the table and hid his face in his palms.

"This is so hard." He mumbled. I wasn't sure if I should acknowledge what he'd said; I suspected that we weren't supposed to hear it.

After a few moments, he looked up again. His hands were shaking now.

"Tim... I-I have... God damn it, Dick, can you please... just... you tell him." He sat back, aggressively, and crossed his arms in the same manner. The actions were probably more out of anxiety and frustration than anger, if the growing melancholy in his eyes had anything indicative of the situation.

It was obvious that I wasn't the first person he'd tried to tell and that it definitely wasn't the first time he'd struggled to do so.

"Jason, if it's bugging you this much, I'm sure it can wait." I interjected, trying not to sound too aggressive or like I didn't want to know.

"No, it's really... I want you to know." Jason stammered, decisively. He didn't redirect his gaze from the edge of the table.

Dick glanced down for a moment and sighed quietly.

"Jason has PTSD." He looked directly at me. His expression was defensive but sympathetic. It made me squirm internally, if he was trying to intimidate me, he was doing a good job.

"Okay." I had no problem with it. Why would I? Especially me being who I am. "Is that the only reason you wanted me to come? You guys didn't order anything so, I'm guessing that's probably a yes."

"Yeah, pretty much." Jason mumbled.

"Can I tell him more?" Dick asked Jason.

Jason nodded, seemingly on the edge of an emotional cliff.

"His dad-" He started, trying to be quiet and gentle.

"No, Dick, wait!" Jason yelped like an injured animal. He was shaking a lot more now, "Not... not..."

Dick's eyes sparkled with empathy.

"Okay," Then he added, significantly quieter, "Do you want to go?"

Again, Jason nodded.

We hadn't been there long but I understood. When you needed to leave, you needed to leave.

"I'm sorry Tim. I-I just..."

I smiled gently; I was trying to show that I understood, that I wasn't offended.

"It's okay, Jason. Don't worry about it, I know what it's like to need to leave. I'm just going to finish my coffee so, seriously, don't feel bad. I know it's not personal." I tried to sound reassuring; I meant what I said but I worried that I couldn't convey it.

"Thank you." Jason said, quietly, as he amd Dick stood to leave.

"No worries." I said with a small smile.


	6. Is That Jason's POV? Yes. Yes it is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for anxiety/PTSD. Please take care of yourselves and don't read this if it'll trigger you!

I waited for Dick outside the café. He really didn't take long but I was quickly feeling overwhelmed. There were too many reminders, it was just too much. 

My head felt filled with cotton, making my thoughts blur together into one big, incomprehensible, overwhelming blob of anxiety.

It was getting hard to hear, like someone had cranked the volume on nothing but radio static.

The noise of passing cars only made it worse, my vision was blurring. More noise screamed in my ears, adding to the blurry static of my mind.

Good God, what was happening to me?

When Dick came out, he looked at me knowingly. If I hadn't been in the state I was, slumped against the wall, trying to take even breaths and failing immensely, his concern would've been obvious to me. 

"I'm guessing you want me to drive, huh?" He was careful in pulling me into his arms, always just so gentle with me, like he was afraid of breaking me. 

I was glad for the hug. There was always a seventy-thirty chance that it could help or, more often than not, make it worse. I seemed to be on the luckier (and significantly smaller) part of that split this time.

As I nodded into his shoulder, the thought that people might think we were dating because of this occured to me. I desperately willed the thought to pass. This guy was my brother, that would just be... No. Never.

Gently, he led me to the car.

While the thought of getting away from the curious and judgemental eye of being in public was consciously appealing, getting into the car while like this wasn't. 

I stopped hard in my tracks. 

Oh God, no. No. I can't. I'll get hurt. I'll be gone, someone'll take the car with me in the passenger seat. He'll take the car, he'll take me again, he'll find me again.

"Jay? Jay, what's wrong?" Dick tried to get my attention.

I took a step back from the car. No. I couldn't get in. I couldn't.

"Hey, Jason, look at me." I did. It felt like it took all my energy just to turn less than 90° to face him.

"Hey, don't cry. You're okay, he's not going to find you." He tried to put his hand on my upper arm to calm me down but I flinched away and he stopped. My eyes had closed tight and my gaze would've been directed to the ground had they been open.

"Jason, Jay, look at me. Look at me, come on. There you go, that's right. I'm not going to hurt you, okay? You're safe. Can you tell me what's wrong?" 

The words were caught in my throat, backed up all the way to my brain. I didn't have the words and I couldn't have said them, even if I did have them. It was like he had his hand around my throat again, holding me down, taking my breath away from me, taking my voice away from me, taking all my control away.

I felt my balance being taken from me. I started to fall to the ground but someone held me up so I'd fall slower, just slipping down now. I desperately grabbed at the arms around me. It was Dick, right? Who else could it be? Could it be someone else?

"It's that bad, huh Jay? Don't worry, it's okay. I've got you. You're not going to get hurt. I'll protect you, don't worry. Just breathe, okay?"

I felt my chest rise and fall inconsistently and tried to focus on controlling it. It wasn't working. I felt a frustrated and terrified sob build in my throat.

"Jay, can you feel me breathing?" 

I nodded.

"Okay, just try to match it. That's not so hard, right?" 

Again, I nodded; I tried to focus on him now. It didn't help much at first. I was still struggling against the memory of the rough hands on my throat. 

I cried out slightly, letting go of the breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding. It was so obvious and I knew it. 

"That's good, Jay. Keep going. It's alright." Dick kept talking, reassuring and quiet but loud enough for me.

A tear slipped down my face as I finally managed to take a few even breaths. They still stuttered but it getting quieter in my head. The static was fading.

I held tighter to Dick's arm and then loosened my grip. 

I opened my eyes and found him looking at me with so much empathy and just... Affection, I guess.

"You okay?"

"Better," I croaked.


	7. Chapter 7

I generally have a bad habit of staying up late. Not intentionally, of course. It's kind of just how I exist. Sleep deprived and full of caffeine. 

Because I'm an eternal insomniac, it was no surprise for me to be still up at 12:00. This time I actually had a sort-of valid reason for being awake. Dick said he was going to text me and explain Jason's situation. I was still waiting. 

Jason ended up sending me a text first.

"I'm sorry fir earlier.

*for"

"It's alright, don't worry about it. Shit happens."

"I just got overwhelmed. It's really hard for me to talk about it."

"I understand."

After that, Jason stopped replying but I knew he'd seen my message. 

A few minutes later, Dick (finally) fulfilled his promise to inform me of the specifics.

"Sorry, Jay came over to my place. I've been looking after him. Just in case something happened.

I'll start explaining now. Just wait for me to finish."

"Okay?"

"So. Jason's dad had a friend, his name was Jack. While his dad was alive, everything was fine. Apparently, he was like another dad to Jason (His mom's dead so he really needed that). 

Once Jason's dad passed, Jason didn't have anywhere to go, so Jack offered for him to stay at his place. Jason stayed with him for around 2 years. When he was 15, I think, he came out, you know, just like 'hey I'm bi.' 

Jack didn't take that well. He was abusive before but it got a lot worse after Jason came out. I won't tell you exactly what he did cus Jay doesn't want me to but I can say that it was really really bad.

Jason was way too scared to leave. I met him when he was 14 and even though we talked less while he lived with Jack, we stayed in touch. Once he started pulling away from me a lot, I knew something was up.

I found out pretty quick after that. I kept trying to get him to leave but all this was happening at the same time and like I said, he was scared. He finally ran away when he was 16. 

He came to my apartment just crying and shaking. He was absolutely covered in bruises, had a black eye, a broken rib, and had a fractured wrist. He could hardly breathe. He was standing on my doorstep sobbing and he had nothing with him. He wasn't even wearing a shirt. 

Jack had beat him to the floor with a crowbar. (He did other stuff too but again, Jay isn't ready for me to say what) He was so so scared and he was hurting everywhere. He was in the hospital for around a month. 

He still lives with me because he just can't do it on his own. He can't handle his anxiety attacks alone. They don't happen as often as they used to but still often enough. His nightmares are even worse."

I waited a few minutes, expecting another text rather quickly. I hadn't yet had the chance to read more than a couple words from each message because Dick just kept sending them so quickly.

"He's doing a bit better now just so you know."

"He texted me earlier."

"I'm honestly surprised. That's really good. He really really trusts you."

"Really?"

"Well, he doesn't tell just anyone this stuff."

"Oh. Wow."

"Yeah."

Dick stopped sending messages after that so I actually had the chance to go through what he'd sent. 

It physically hurt me to find out what Jason had gone through. It was no wonder that he would have a really hard time talking about it.

My heart swelled a little at the thought that despite it being so hard for Jason to tell people, he wanted me to know. He wanted to tell me. Simultaneously, I wondered why it was so important to him. He didn't have to tell me. 

I saw them in the parking lot but stayed away. I knew that it would probably make things worse for Jason if I approached him. He let himself go through that for me. Or maybe for himself. Either way, he put up with something absolutely awful and completely draining just so I could know. In my mind, there was nothing half as brave as that.

I would never, ever, be more proud of my partner than in the moment I realized how much he had sacrificed for me. 


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't talk to them again for two days, at which point it would've been rather difficult to avoid, seeing as we had class.

This time, I was the first to arrive. I made the assumption that Dick was probably in his office or something because the door to his room was open. If he weren't at the studio, that probably wouldn't be the case.

I stood around in the room for a few minutes feeling rather uncomfortable in the silence.

In an attempt to quell the boredom and restlessness I was feeling, I put my headphones in and started to warm up alone. It might've looked strange; One person alone in a room, dancing, seemingly, in silence.

It didn't matter to me. Everything except the music and the floor faded to the background of my mind. I didn't notice Jason come in, didn't even register Dick closing the door behind the two of them.

At least, not until I crashed into him. It was in the moment that we tumbled to the ground I realized that while hyperfocus was great, it was also the absolute worst.

My face was burning. I practically tackled this person, who was six years older than me, to the floor. Yikes.

"I hate myself so much right now," I said, crawling off of Dick. 

The two of them apparently found the situation amusing. They were laughing hysterically, fueling my embarrassment. 

I was blushing like mad and wishing I could crawl into a hole and die.

"Great, now that I've humiliated myself for the day, can I go home and pretend this never happened?"

"But we haven't even started yet," Dick protested.

"Besides, that was too hilarious to forget. And honestly, before that, you were dancing beautifully," Jason added.

"Like a little bird," Dick agreed.

"I'm not that little!"

"Yes you are. You're what? Five foot five?" Jason said, with playful derision.

"Not if I stand like this!" I straightened up as much as I could and stood on my tiptoes for a moment before nearly falling over.

"Congratulations," Jason applauded sarcastically, "You're still shorter than me."

"Both of you are shorter than me," Dick pointed out.

"Well, you're old."

"Cheap shot, Jaybird."

"Alright, alright. So, if he's Jaybird," I pointed to Jason, "And I dance like a bird, does that make you the mama bird 'cus you're the oldest?"

"I mean, sure. I guess." He shrugged.


	9. Dick Is Mama Bird Confirmed

I didn't talk to them again for two days, at which point it would've been rather difficult to avoid, seeing as we had class.

This time, I was the first to arrive. I made the assumption that Dick was probably in his office or something because the door to his room was open. If he weren't at the studio, that probably wouldn't be the case.

I stood around in the room for a few minutes feeling rather uncomfortable in the silence.

In an attempt to quell the boredom and restlessness I was feeling, I put my headphones in and started to warm up alone. It might've looked strange; One person alone in a room, dancing, seemingly, in silence.

It didn't matter to me. Everything except the music and the floor faded to the background of my mind. I didn't notice Jason come in, didn't even register Dick closing the door behind the two of them.

At least, not until I crashed into him. It was in the moment that we tumbled to the ground I realized that while hyperfocus was great, it was also the absolute worst.

My face was burning. I practically tackled this person, who was six years older than me, to the floor. Yikes.

"I hate myself so much right now," I said, crawling off of Dick. 

The two of them apparently found the situation amusing. They were laughing hysterically, fueling my embarrassment. 

I was blushing like mad and wishing I could crawl into a hole and die.

"Great, now that I've humiliated myself for the day, can I go home and pretend this never happened?"

"But we haven't even started yet," Dick protested.

"Besides, that was too hilarious to forget. And honestly, before that, you were dancing beautifully," Jason added.

"Like a little bird," Dick agreed.

"I'm not that little!"

"Yes you are. You're what? Five foot five?" Jason said, with playful derision.

"Not if I stand like this!" I straightened up as much as I could and stood on my tiptoes for a moment before nearly falling over.

"Congratulations," Jason applauded sarcastically, "You're still shorter than me."

"Both of you are shorter than me," Dick pointed out.

"Well, you're old."

"Cheap shot, Jaybird."

"Alright, alright. So, if he's Jaybird," I pointed to Jason, "And I dance like a bird, does that make you the mama bird 'cus you're the oldest?"

"I mean, sure. I guess." He shrugged.


	10. Chapter 10

At some point while we were dancing, it had started to rain. I silently hoped it wouldn't get too heavy. 

The thought of a possible thunderstorm was enough to cause me to stumble; I didn't fall but I still had to regain my balance.

I huffed in frustration. Why couldn't I just focus?

"You okay?" Jason and Dick asked, nearly simultaneously. For Dick, it seemed almost habitual.

"Yeah, it's just the rain is stressing me out a bit," I admitted. 

"Understandable. I was going to tell you to take a break soon anyway."

I sat against the wall letting out a relieved sigh. Thank God Dick was so understanding.

Jason sat next to me.

"Sorry, I keep tripping."

"No worries. I'm going to listen to music for a bit if you want to listen too."

"Sure." Why not? Music was basically my solve-everything.

I immediately recognized it.

"You know it?" He asked, probably noticing how I tapped my fingers against my leg, following the guitar.

"Yep. Your Guardian Angel. Did you know this version's a cover?"

"Really? I always thought it was written by Point Blank Society." His expression was rather amusing, eyebrows raised and cheeks puffed out. Sadly, it only lasted for a fraction of a second.

I laughed a little, anxiety turning dorment again, in spite of the continued rainfall.

"Nope, it was written by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus."

"Cool. I guess I'll have to listen to the original then."

Jason put his hand on my knee and I jerked away. It wasn't intentional. It was embarrassing that I still had this issue. Especially since I was constantly touching and being touched by Jason. I should've been used to at least him touching me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It isn't a big deal. I don't know why I keep... It makes no sense," I laughed, "I mean, of all the things I could've picked to do, I picked the thing that's going to constantly have me being touched and for some reason, after six years, I'm still not completely used to it."

He joined me in laughing.

"I know how you feel. It's so strange." 

By the time the class had finished, I felt pretty happy. Not that I hadn't been before but the way Jason and I could just... talk was nice. I could probably say anything to him.

Just as I was about to leave the room, Dick called my name.

"Yeah?" I turned to face him.

"Do you know how to do makeup?" He blurted, "It's just... I'm genderfluid and I want to... to come off as a girl sometimes and I don't know how to... do makeup and I want to."

I already knew he was genderfluid. Jason had told me and I remembered but I pretended otherwise.

"Yeah, of course," I grinned, "You can come over to my house if you want."

"Like, right now?" 

"Sure, if you like."

His eyes flooded with relief.

"Yes please."

I turned to Jason, who was still standing in the doorway.

"Do you want to come too?" 

He shrugged, "Sure. He's my ride anyway."

"I guess I'm driving." Dick said it as if it were a question.

"I'll give you my address. I should probably text my mom first though."

Jason and I changed quickly. 

Afterward, I texted my mom to tell her that I had friends coming over.  
She responded very enthusiastically. By which, I mean she called me.

"Tim, you're really going to hang out with friends at our house? You never do that!" She practically squealed.

I laughed a bit at her reaction.

"I know I don't. There's no need to fangirl over it. You don't have a problem with it?"

"No, not at all! Do you want snacks?"

"Um... Sure."

"Anything specific?"

"Whatever is good."

"Alright. Anything else you need?"

"Is Damian home?"

"Yes, with Jon. Want me to tell him?"

"Yes please."

"Okay, see you soon honey."

"Bye mom, love you."

She hung up first, knowing I'd just awkwardly wait until she did.

I looked up at Jason who had apparently been looking at me the whole time.

"My mom's buying snacks," I informed the two of them.

"You're mom is cool," Dick stated, "Alright, let's go, my babybirds."

I made a derisive 'pft' noise.

"Baby birds?" Jason scoffed.

"Yes. Deal with it."


	11. Y'all are gonna actually hate me

Does anyone want to edit this for me? I'm having trouble with ideas to continue this, and I don't want to abandon it, so if someone would want to help me with that, I would very much appreciate it. You can hmu on my tumblr @northerndownyee-fromyesterday if you're interested.


	12. Like They Say, There's Never A Bad Time To Dress In Drag and Do The Hula

"Damian?" I called as I opened the front door.

"Yeah?" He yelled back.

"I'm home and I brought friends!"

As I spoke, he came from the kitchen with Jon following close behind.

"I didn't know you had any."

"Haha. Very funny. This is Jason and that's Dick."

Damian snorted.

"That's an unfortunate name."

"It's better than Richard," Dick scoffed.

"Whatever you say." Damian shrugged.

"Jon, how are you doing?" I chose to ignore my brother for the time being.

Jon smiled brightly, always such a ray of sunshine.

"I'm good. Thanks for asking."

I noticed the small smile on Damian's face when he heard Jon speak. As if it weren't obvious enough that he was gay for him.

"Where's mom?" I directed my attention back to Damian.

"I'm in the kitchen, Tim!" She called.

I followed her voice, accompanied by Jason and Dick, who were like lost ducklings, scuttling after me.

"Hi Mom. Thanks for the food," I said, playfully, as I grabbed the bag of chips and fuzzy peaches off the counter.

"No problem. Hello, you two. It's nice to meet you."

Jason smiled and moved to shake her hand but she just hugged him. He seemed startled but went along with it.

My mom hugged Dick too. He was more prepared for it, I think.

"Let me guess, you're Jason," She said, gesturing a little to Jason.

"That's me."

"Tim talks about you all the time." She winked at him.

I saw him blush a little.

"Mom!" I felt my own face heat up.

She ignored me.

"And you're Dick?" She asked.

"Yep." He nodded.

"You're his favourite teacher, just so you know."

"Mom!" I repeated, somehow even more embarraased than the first time.

"Tim!" She mocked me.

"Oh my God. Okay, I'm leaving now!"

"I love you honey!" She called after me as I ran up the stairs to my room.

Once in my room, I flopped onto my bed. It was still unmade and a bit of a disaster. My room in general was a disaster; I had left drawings out everywhere on my desk, accompanied with charcoal pencils and several micron pens; things that had a very high potential for wrecking my drawings. There were also clothes and blankets at various places on the floor, as well as several miscellaneous objects that I had knocked over that morning.

I noticed that my shirt had ridden up, exposing my hips slightly. I refused to sit up, just tugging the fabric down. It didn't really do anything except go back to exposing my pale skin, so, I gave in and sat up.

"Damian's your brother?" Jason asked.

"Yep. We adopted him... Oh shit... Four years ago now. I have an older sister too. Her name's Stephanie."

"So, who's Jon?"

"Damian's best friend."

Dick looked irked.

"I thought they were together."

I laughed, "Jon is so obvious but Damian's just way too oblivious."

I stood up and went to the bathroom, grabbing my makeup bag. I didn't wear it often but I have it anyway. Besides, makeup is fucking great for a guy because, sometimes, a guy just wants to look beautiful and a lot of times, a guy isn't beautiful.

I sat back on my bed, in between the other two and facing Dick.

I didn't care one bit as I dumped the contents of the bag onto my bed. Thankfully, I hadn't left anything open so it didn't make a mess on the sheets.

"Jason, can you hand me that hairtie?"

I pointed at the blue elastic on my bedside table.

"Thanks," I said as I pulled most of my hair into a low ponytail. Some of it was just too short to stay in the elastic.

I considered my foundation for a moment, comparing it to Dick's skin tone.

"This is definitely too light for you. I'm a damn ghost. Whatever, you don't really need it anyway. Your skin is a lot more even than mine. Guess it's because you're not a teenager," I said with a laugh.

I tossed the container behind me.

"Wait, let me see your wrist for a sec. The one I use in summer might work."

I held Dick's hand, palm up, in mine as I put a small dot of the darker shade onto his wrist and spread it around.

I smiled at him.

"Not too bad, huh?"

He grinned back.

I was suddenly questioning whether referring to Dick as 'he' and 'him' was what I should be doing.

"Dick, I never asked and I should've. What are your pronouns?"

His face fell, quite literally. He stared at the ground, eyebrows scrunched together.

"I've always gone by he/him. Just lately, I'm not so sure," He said, quietly.

I immediately banished the thought of Dick being a 'he' kind of person. Dick was now defaulted to 'they' in my mind.

I've always told myself, 'they' is always a good default, especially when someone is unsure.

"Why didn't you say something?" Jason asked, sounding mildly indignant.

"I wanted to figure it out for myself first. You know I hate the idea of having to come out more than once. If I change my mind on something, I don't want to have to re-come out and contradict everything from before. People already think I'm faking. That would make it worse."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It kinda came to an abrupt stop, I know. But I'm tired, depressed, and gay. So fight me. I would like to apologize, as it's taken me forever to get this out.
> 
> I hope you're all doing well. Let me know, if you so desire. I'd be happy to hear about your day. Also, happy pride month everyone!
> 
> I love you nerds.


	13. I Like Cats, Okay! So, Sue Me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, it's pretty short and honestly, probably not the best. But I wanted to get one out before summer school ended because I won't be able to add another until at least end of September. I've been feeling super writer's blocked so this is the best I could do.

That night, I didn’t sleep the best. In fact, in irritatingly typical fashion, I barely slept at all. 

Being the terrible person I am, you know, the one with barely any sense of self-preservation, I stayed up until one in the morning. Which I already know is a bad idea. Trust me, I do. But I just can’t seem to help it.

My one-in-the-morning-going-to-bed resulted in a completely restless sleep, followed by some of my least-favourite, recurring, nightmares. A great time, -7/10, would definitely NOT recommend. Waking up in a bed damp with your own sweat, shaking into a million pieces, while also struggling to compose your thoughts and figure out who in the hell you can call to help you is not a good time to say the least.

On an idiotic impulse, I picked up my phone and dialed the first number that came to mind. Which just-so-happened to be Jason’s. I don’t know why I even bothered to call. I didn’t even expect him to pick up. But I was tired, scared, and just desperately needed someone to talk to and he was the first person on my mind.

The phone, surprisingly, didn’t dial for long.

“Hello?” Jason slurred.

“Jason…” I suddenly felt immensely guilty, I shouldn’t have woken him up, “I… Sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’ worry ‘bout it. I was awake. What’s up?”

It sounded like Jason shifted around slightly. He was probably in bed. 

“Just… I had a nightmare,” I rubbed my eyes, wearily.

“Oh? What happened?” His words punctuated by a yawn.

“I saw my dad again. My mom kicked him out,” I paused and yawned, arching my back as I did so, “A long time ago. He was fuckin’ awful. He’d punish me n’ Damian by making us on the floor, in our room, sitting on our hands until he said… he said that we could come out. Sometimes, we’d have to ask n’ ask n’ ask to get out. I guess it doesn’t really sound that bad but trust me…”

“No, I believe you. That’s a pretty shit thing to do.”

“The circulation in my hands is still shit, and I may or may not completely blame that.”

“That’s fair. I would, to be honest.”

My mind began to wander, and I started thinking about my (pregnant) cat, Snuffles.

“Did I ever tell you about my cat?”

“No, I didn’t see it either.”

“Her name is Snuffles,” I was sure I sounded crazy by now, but I wasn’t quite ready to hang up, “And she’s pregnant. Which makes no sense ‘cus I thought she was a lesbian for the other cat down the street.”

“What colour is she?” I felt like he was humouring me, but I just wanted to talk so I didn’t much care.

“She’s black and brown and a little bit white.” I dragged out the ‘i’ in little.

“She sounds so cute.”

“Oh, she is. All her kittens are gonna be so cute. I’m so excited. Hey, do you want one of them?”

“Um,” I had evidently taken him off guard.

“We can’t keep all of them. Everybody’s always doin’ stuff. And I think you would be a good cat parent.”

“You trust me with a tiny little cat life?”

“Yes, I do.” I said, confidently.

“I’ll consider it. But you should go back to sleep, Mr. Cat Dealer.”

“Mmmm… okay. Sleep well, Jason.”

“You too, Tim.”

And with that, I laid back down and closed my eyes. For once, I actually didn’t wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! How's your guys' summer been? 
> 
> Mine has been hectic. I have a final in two days, cus as I said, I am in summer school. It's also been kinda hard, because I'm not really used to being misgendered for all 8 hours of daytime. (Hi, I'm a demiboy, I use they/them and he/him pronouns. You can call me Adrien) Being deadnamed all day is like, quite the experience. We've been doing a lot of group work which kinda really sucks cus I hate basically everyone in my class. At least there's only a few more days left.
> 
> A fun fact: my parents actually did the sit-on-your-hands thing when I was little so. um. yeah. Inspiration?  
> An actual fun fact: My favourite animals are turtles, pigeons, and jellyfish.  
> Another fun fact: Jellyfish reproduce asexually, like some kinds of plants! I think some species also reproduce sexually, but I have no fucking clue how that works.


End file.
